Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
do herpes really smell.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
