Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
