Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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