The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
