I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
