I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
