I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
