Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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