Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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