Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
