White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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