You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
