Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
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I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
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We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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