im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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