dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Randomize
