I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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