so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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