there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
