I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
