So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
