Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
