And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My penis needs a shock collar
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
