I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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