Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
