If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
