Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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