I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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