i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
