did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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