I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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