Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
