I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
