C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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