Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
