So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
