dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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