The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize