is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
