I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
