I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
