I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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