I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
