Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
