you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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