Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
