Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
