I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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