They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
