I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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