I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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