Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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